To Whom It May Concern
by GirHugs
Summary: Soulmates meet when they need each other the most. So when Tony is dying of palladium poisoning, he writes a letter, wondering why his soulmate never showed up. Later, Steve finds the letter. (AU-Soulmates; Not all Soulbonds are romantic so can be read as slash or friendship, Songfic)


**Disclaimer:** Avengers belong to Marvel.

****A/N:** In this AU, soulbonds can take on any form - romantic, platonic, familial - so this story can technically be read as slash or friendship. Story inspired by, and title taken from, 'To Whom It May Concern' by The Civil Wars.

* * *

Steve must have walked past it a dozen times. It didn't stand out – a crumpled sheet of paper folded up and collecting dust – but it wasn't hidden either, just…forgotten. It was propped up next to the shattered box that once held the very first arc reactor, half obscuring the words 'Proof That Tony Stark Has A Heart.'

He isn't even sure what prompted him to take notice. But once his eyes flitted across it, idle curiosity made him reach out and grasp onto the paper.

* * *

_To Whom It May Concern, _

_…I'm not sure what to say. Which is an entirely new experience for me, just so you know. I haven't even met you and you've struck me speechless for a moment; how did you manage that?_

_Where do I start? The beginning, I guess…_

_When I was a kid, I only thought of you in that tangential way that all children do. Fleeting whimsy of meeting my best friend and having them at my side, always. An innocent wish, but it wasn't serious. _

_ The first time I gave any real thought to who you were and where you may be…I was angry._

_I remember standing at the cemetery, watching my parents caskets beings lowered into the ground and just thinking 'How could you not be here?' I was young and angry and alone. And, back then, I couldn't imagine a time when I would ever need someone, anyone – you – to be there for me more than in that moment …_

_But you weren't there. _

_And you didn't come._

_And I hated you for that._

_Afterwards, I became destructive. I was young and stupid and thought that maybe…maybe I could force you to come to me. Maybe if I was reckless enough and put myself in enough risky situations, then you would have to come to me. Because I needed you._

_But you still weren't there._

_And you still didn't come._

_And then Afghanistan…_

_When I first regained consciousness, I thought that Yinsen was…well, you. Surely, there could not be any point in my life where I needed you more than in that cave…_

_I almost cried when I realized that the ache in my chest wasn't because you had finally filled that emptiness within, but because there was literally an empty space in my chest stuffed with a shoddy car battery. _

_I considered just letting them kill me in that cave. But Yinsen…he saved my life, in more ways than one. He helped me understand…_

_I escaped, survived. And it hurt to try and manage everything on my own, but I had enough of a purpose – assumed enough responsibility – to realize that even though I may have wanted you, I didn't need you. SI – and Obie – were __**my**__ problems to fix. Not yours._

_So you weren't there._

_And you didn't come._

_But I understood._

_And now…_

_Now I really, truly need you. Because the very thing that is supposed to be keeping me alive is also poisoning me, and I don't know how to fix it. I've tried, I've been trying…but every attempt has failed. And even though I'm supposed to be a genius, I don't know what to do. I'm dying. __ I'm scared__. I need you._

**_But you're still not here._**

_ (…Maybe you're already dead. Maybe I failed you. Maybe I wasn't there when you needed me. And if that's true…I'm sorry. So so sorry. Because I know how horrible it is to be left waiting and needing…But if you are already dead, and there is such a thing as an afterlife…I'm sorry I kept you waiting, but I'll probably be joining you soon and you won't have to wait much longer…)_

_So I don't know who you are. Or why you never showed up. But I just want you to know…I'm not angry anymore. I don't blame you. I don't hate you. When I think of you, more than anything, I just feel regret. Regret that I never got the chance to meet you, to know you. __Maybe I don't deserve you. Maybe everything I've done since being reborn in that cave just wasn't good enough…_

_But even though we've never met, I still want you, need you…_

_You're that lost piece of me. And I just…_

_I miss you._

_Always,_

_Tony_

* * *

"-eve?"

Steve looks up at Tony – when had his legs given out on him? – as the engineer approaches.

"You okay?" Tony asks as he gets closer. "I know Thor's movie choices can get a little strange – I'm still trying to convince him that Darcy is just messing with him when she makes suggestions – but it was your idea to set up a rotation for…"

Whatever emotions Tony sees on his face must be worrying, because Tony immediately goes tense, eyes darting around the lab as he seeks out any threat. Seeing nothing, Tony goes from hard-edged tension, to confused concern.

"Hey, Steve…" Tony crouches down to eye level, watching him with worry. "You okay?"

Steve tries to say something, anything, but he doesn't know…can't even…he shakes his head as he struggles to find words.

"Steve?" And now there's panic creeping into Tony's voice and Steve just feels guilty that he's worrying Tony…hurting Tony…

His hands reflexively curl into fists, and the paper crushes so easily, and Steve finally chokes out a rattled "…Tony."

"Oh…" There's a quiet exhale of disbelief and then Tony is moving closer, reaching out, and uncurling Steve's fist. Tony takes the paper and glances at it for a fleeting second, another "Oh," this time of understanding, and then he crumples the paper further and throws it over his shoulder.

"Steve…"

"I'm so sorr-"

Steve doesn't even manage to finish the apology, before he's enveloped in Tony's arms. He tucks his face into Tony's neck, breathes in, and takes comfort. "Sorry, so sorry, I'm sorry," he whispers the apologies against Tony's warm skin.

"Hey," Tony tugs lightly at Steve's hair and then continues softly brushing his fingers through the gold strands. "Stop that. Don't apologize."

"But I…you needed me," Steve loops his arms around Tony and draws him closer, needs him closer. "…You needed me and I kept you waiting…"

"Hmmm," Tony says thoughtfully. "In that case, I'm sorry too."

"Wha-"

"I kept you waiting too. There were times you needed me…" Tony says it slowly, slight insecurity edging into his low voice and Steve automatically tightens his grip because he always needs, _will always need_, Tony. "Right, so there were times you needed me too, but I wasn't there. Do you…do you blame me for that?"

Steve takes a moment, gives the question the serious thought it deserves. And maybe back then, there had been moments when he was upset and hurt that he felt so alone….but now that he has Tony…he would choose to wait again, would have waited as long as it took so long as he could eventually have Tony.

"No."

Slight tension bleeds out of Tony and he sighs into Steve's neck. "Good, that's good."

Steve takes a moment to let his racing heart calm, lets Tony's closeness settle and soothe that ache in his chest.

"I missed you too."


End file.
